Author's Comments
I just randomly start a new line in my poems whenever I feel like it. Does the choppiness work for you? Or am I just making a fool of myself?
It's questions like these that 'critique requested' was made for. 12.52am 22.04.2009 edited 5.52pm 23.04.2009 edited again 2.02pm 24.04.2009 added the word 'still' 5.39pm 4.06.2009   Comments
 you're not making a fool of yourself and i really like the 'story' element in these poems. The end is really interesting and intruiges me. it's like your special, youre what groups these guys who probably havent ever met together like an invisible ribbon. I love it.
-- One of the largest supliers of KuroxFai fanart on DA  A gold plated travesty is still a travesty. Life's not all skittles and beer. If the world is ending I'm throwing the party. I want to have Patrick Stump's bunnys. i kinda like the choppiness. to me sometimes writing feels to smooth. life isn't smooth a lot of the time. a lot of the time its running to walking, running to stopping, running to falling over. life is rarely as beautiful and poetic as writing. i think sometimes writing needs to be confusing or unmeasured.
-- One of the largest supliers of KuroxFai fanart on DA A gold plated travesty is still a travesty. Life's not all skittles and beer. If the world is ending I'm throwing the party. I want to have Patrick Stump's bunnys. no problem, it's just my humble opinion.
-- One of the largest supliers of KuroxFai fanart on DA A gold plated travesty is still a travesty. Life's not all skittles and beer. If the world is ending I'm throwing the party. I want to have Patrick Stump's bunnys.  In my mind, "choppiness" of rhythm is what you mean, correct?
I feel it should should be like music when read aloud. The words, spaces and breaths should sound like music...to you. As far as my opinion of this as art, I like it. JP -- Paint the Truth.  choppiness is awesome. flows even better, ironically.
 I'm pretty sure this is my only favourited piece of writing, I love it for some reason. I love the way you write, and your to-do lists remind me of the way I think. That's probably all related to the choppiness. If it works for you, don't change it.
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Critiques
Holy crow. Wow.
I love how you just added everything up.
It's so short and yet it contains so much.
I also like how you separated the paragraphs with the use of numbers.
All and all the quick, fast flow of the poem is beautiful. It's like it's running away from the reader and the reader is too slow to catch up.
My favourite part is 3.:
"All the men I love and have ever loved have eyes that make you feel like you're standing on the edge of a cliff. And I don't think any of them have been brown."
You show such honesty and sharp fast words. I love your style.
It is interesting to me that #2 is actually longer lined...when I read the "stutter" I wanted it to be as staccato as the first stanza. Maybe flip the lineations between #1 and #2?
I like the third stanza best, but one thing I think you should think of when you do numbered stanzas is that they are separate poems but also needs something that will tie them together.
I'm not wild about the words "musings" and "exquisite." Musings seems too "old world" for me and "exquisite" is one of those beautiful words, that, in my opinion doesn't belong in poetry unless you are writing about horse shit. Meaning, pretty eyes are expected. Pretty horse shit, well ... I often thought that was the object of the poet - to write it in a way never seen before and make someone believe it. I have a feeling this stanza can be REALLY unexpected, as I love the last line.
I hope that makes sense?
Ideas for making this a more cohesive piece, in an easy way: change the title. Change it to like, "Post-it notes written for people I have loved," or something. That way, their shortness makes sense, as well as the short ideas.
I don't think your structure is too bad.
"All the men I love and have ever
loved have had exquisite
eyes."
Though the "had" kind of makes it sound like you killed the person hahaha. I could fool around with the poem forever, but I can fiddle with anything long enough in a delightfully OCD way.
Hope any of that made sense?? I like critiquing but I always think I have a hard time making sense for the other person haha!!
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